One Season's End is Another One's Beginning.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,

I guess I'm gonna have to cry,

And let go of some things I've loved,

To get to the other side,

I guess it's gonna break me down,

Like falling when you try to fly,

It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,

Starts with goodbye.

Yesterday was my grandpas's funeral and as I put it last night: 

"Today one of the most important people of my life was laid to rest. This man has made such an influence on me my entire life and I am sad that we didn't get to spend nearly enough time together these last couple of years. I will always remember what he has taught me but it is upsetting that there won't be any more lessons in the future. I love you, Opa, and I miss you every day. Rest in Peace."

And I mean this so very much. Growing up living right next to him and my grandma's house it would've been hard to spend any more time with him than I did. Up until we moved over here to the States. Overall that was a pretty good decision, but I so very much regret that I could not spend enough time with him over the last couple of years. It makes me tear up right now as I write this. I wish I could've been there for the service yesterday. He wasn't buried in a regular graveyard like most people but instead was brought to one in the woods a couple of hours away. He always talked how he'd much rather be buried underneath a tree than a big graveyard like other people. He was a hunter and in Germany that meant so much more than going out and killing animals. It meant that you took care of the woods and the animals in it. You helped them through the winter and took mercy on the ones who wouldn't be able to make it by shooting those. You planted new trees and helped those that were already there. So there really wasn't any place better for him to be laid to rest than underneath a tree in the woods. I was very happy when that decision was made because I knew it would make him very happy as well. But I so wish I could've been there. I just can't let it go until I personally see where he lies and I really hope I'll be able to make it there in the next year at least. 

But as I said in the heading, one season's end is another one's beginning. And where could you see that more than out in nature? Fall comes and the leaves change color. I think it was very appropriate (although not intentional) that his funeral was during the last day of summer. While I still have a ways to go before I can smile at the memories without tearing up soon after, I also know another thing: I now appreciate everything I have learned from him so much more than before. He wouldn't want be to stay upset, he'd want me to go out and do what I am supposed to do. And that is my plan. 

The start of another season also means something else. Over the last few months a lot of things have changed. I tried out different me's so to speak and over the last couple of weeks I have really figured out who I want to be. That person is completely different from who I used to want to be but that's ok. Because now I am happy with it. Summer was for figuring out who I want to be and now the new season, fall, is where I do all the things I need to do to become that person. Turn a dream into reality. 

And this change includes several things. For one, it is a career change. Yesterday I volunteered at the South Campus Tailgate before the Georgia vs. N Texas game (Heck yea for beating mean green, GO DAWGS!) which is an event where all the clubs from the Ag college and Family and Consumer sciences set up their booths along with a couple tables about the departments themselves. I left vet med partially because of the bad job market and I didn't want to blindly run into another field without knowing more about its job market first. Yesterday I met several important people including someone from FFA that really helped me make my decision of pursuing Ag Ed. I felt so much better about my decision after talking to people there about it. It was great. 

The change also included focusing on certain friends more than I did before. I tended to go through phases where I spend a lot of time with one group of friends and then the next and the next. I'm making an effort now to see all those important to me more regularly (tea time, chicken girl!). It's been working out pretty well so far.

And the third big change: Going to church and my small group regularly has really helped. I am nowhere near in my faith like everybody else seems to be, but I have no doubt that I will get there when I get there. For now, it isn't so much about believing everything and following everything that is being said (and I have some definite points that I see different than others and I doubt that'll change), but about being able to feel comfortable in a place and with people where I can't help but calm down and stop thinking. Or rather, stop thinking about the everyday stress and start thinking about what's really important and what I should be thankful for. 

I am thankful that while I lost one of my pets recently, my other two are very healthy and loving.

I am thankful that while I lost someone very close to me recently, I still have all the rest of my family with me and the loss is getting me to make a point of paying more attention to those I still have left.

I am thankful that while I seemed to have lost some friends recently that used to be very important to me, I am getting closer to some others and making great new friendships with even more.

I am thankful that although I gave up on my lifelong dream of being a vet, I am very happy with the new decision to be an Ag Ed teacher and I am confident that this field is where I belong.

And to end this post, here is a quote that I just read on facebook posted by a girl that I am happy to be able to call my sister soon: "Don't forget you're human. It's ok to have a meltdown. Just don't unpack and live there. Cry it out and then refocus on where you're headed."

And that is what I am doing. While right now I am looking back sadly at the moments I have grown used to that won't be happening anymore, I am also at the same time moving forward to make new memories that some day I will be happily looking back upon.