One Season's End is Another One's Beginning.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,

I guess I'm gonna have to cry,

And let go of some things I've loved,

To get to the other side,

I guess it's gonna break me down,

Like falling when you try to fly,

It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,

Starts with goodbye.

Yesterday was my grandpas's funeral and as I put it last night: 

"Today one of the most important people of my life was laid to rest. This man has made such an influence on me my entire life and I am sad that we didn't get to spend nearly enough time together these last couple of years. I will always remember what he has taught me but it is upsetting that there won't be any more lessons in the future. I love you, Opa, and I miss you every day. Rest in Peace."

And I mean this so very much. Growing up living right next to him and my grandma's house it would've been hard to spend any more time with him than I did. Up until we moved over here to the States. Overall that was a pretty good decision, but I so very much regret that I could not spend enough time with him over the last couple of years. It makes me tear up right now as I write this. I wish I could've been there for the service yesterday. He wasn't buried in a regular graveyard like most people but instead was brought to one in the woods a couple of hours away. He always talked how he'd much rather be buried underneath a tree than a big graveyard like other people. He was a hunter and in Germany that meant so much more than going out and killing animals. It meant that you took care of the woods and the animals in it. You helped them through the winter and took mercy on the ones who wouldn't be able to make it by shooting those. You planted new trees and helped those that were already there. So there really wasn't any place better for him to be laid to rest than underneath a tree in the woods. I was very happy when that decision was made because I knew it would make him very happy as well. But I so wish I could've been there. I just can't let it go until I personally see where he lies and I really hope I'll be able to make it there in the next year at least. 

But as I said in the heading, one season's end is another one's beginning. And where could you see that more than out in nature? Fall comes and the leaves change color. I think it was very appropriate (although not intentional) that his funeral was during the last day of summer. While I still have a ways to go before I can smile at the memories without tearing up soon after, I also know another thing: I now appreciate everything I have learned from him so much more than before. He wouldn't want be to stay upset, he'd want me to go out and do what I am supposed to do. And that is my plan. 

The start of another season also means something else. Over the last few months a lot of things have changed. I tried out different me's so to speak and over the last couple of weeks I have really figured out who I want to be. That person is completely different from who I used to want to be but that's ok. Because now I am happy with it. Summer was for figuring out who I want to be and now the new season, fall, is where I do all the things I need to do to become that person. Turn a dream into reality. 

And this change includes several things. For one, it is a career change. Yesterday I volunteered at the South Campus Tailgate before the Georgia vs. N Texas game (Heck yea for beating mean green, GO DAWGS!) which is an event where all the clubs from the Ag college and Family and Consumer sciences set up their booths along with a couple tables about the departments themselves. I left vet med partially because of the bad job market and I didn't want to blindly run into another field without knowing more about its job market first. Yesterday I met several important people including someone from FFA that really helped me make my decision of pursuing Ag Ed. I felt so much better about my decision after talking to people there about it. It was great. 

The change also included focusing on certain friends more than I did before. I tended to go through phases where I spend a lot of time with one group of friends and then the next and the next. I'm making an effort now to see all those important to me more regularly (tea time, chicken girl!). It's been working out pretty well so far.

And the third big change: Going to church and my small group regularly has really helped. I am nowhere near in my faith like everybody else seems to be, but I have no doubt that I will get there when I get there. For now, it isn't so much about believing everything and following everything that is being said (and I have some definite points that I see different than others and I doubt that'll change), but about being able to feel comfortable in a place and with people where I can't help but calm down and stop thinking. Or rather, stop thinking about the everyday stress and start thinking about what's really important and what I should be thankful for. 

I am thankful that while I lost one of my pets recently, my other two are very healthy and loving.

I am thankful that while I lost someone very close to me recently, I still have all the rest of my family with me and the loss is getting me to make a point of paying more attention to those I still have left.

I am thankful that while I seemed to have lost some friends recently that used to be very important to me, I am getting closer to some others and making great new friendships with even more.

I am thankful that although I gave up on my lifelong dream of being a vet, I am very happy with the new decision to be an Ag Ed teacher and I am confident that this field is where I belong.

And to end this post, here is a quote that I just read on facebook posted by a girl that I am happy to be able to call my sister soon: "Don't forget you're human. It's ok to have a meltdown. Just don't unpack and live there. Cry it out and then refocus on where you're headed."

And that is what I am doing. While right now I am looking back sadly at the moments I have grown used to that won't be happening anymore, I am also at the same time moving forward to make new memories that some day I will be happily looking back upon. 

Life is Good.

I could write about the bad stuff that has happened in the last few months and go on and on about that, but no. I want to focus on all the positive things today. Putting all the bad and really bad stuff aside.. life has been absolutely fantastic! I couldn't ask for anything better.

There aren't a lot of things in life that I regret. What's the point of it since it isn't gonna change anything? Yea, learn your lessons from the bad stuff and move on. But it isn't gonna change the past. I wouldn't get the same tattoo again if I had the choice, but I don't regret getting it because that day, I just really wanted it. But one of the things I really truly regret is not being involved in more things my first two years here in college. And this is partially due to the relationship I was in when I started, but mostly.. I just didn't feel comfortable with it. Being alone was easier often times than going out and meeting people.

This year, I decided to try it all. Or somewhat at least. I want to be really involved in my college (Ag stuff) and I also finally decided to go to church regularly and join one of their small groups. So I joined a sorority (I know, right? Me? haha) and a couple of clubs on campus (Block and Bridle, FFA, Cattlemen's).

It has been fantastic! The last few weeks since school started have been the most fun I've had in years! It is exactly what I needed. The worst thing of my life happened right before school started and the timing to meet all these people couldn't have been better. It has really helped me work through it. Seeing Sigma Alpha girls pretty much everywhere, in class, at work, at other club events, has been great and some of them are already becoming super important to me. I can only imagine how much better it will get over time. We had our pinning ceremony this week so we're another step closer to being full active members of the sorority. And the Monday night dinner was awesome.

Being involved has been great. I am very excited to be helping with a steer and heifer show for which I am co-treasurer with another girl who is also in Sigma Alpha. I'll also be signing up for a committee to help with the Southland Stampede Rodeo with another Sigma Alpha girl. It's great to be seeing the same people everywhere, sharing the same interests and just getting to know each other better. I never thought that having friends in the same industry would make such a difference.

This weekend we went to Fishin' in the Dark, a camping trip, and it was a blast! We had so much fun swimming, going on a jeep ride through the woods and just sitting around a fire. It was an awesome way to end a very stressful week of tests and studying with not much sleep. And I'm pretty sure I got at least Bs on both tests, which were for the hardest classes I'm taking this semester. So that's great too.

Tonight was our second small group meeting with church. I was happy to be able to go to The 12 today and listening to that talk and then hearing our small group leader tell her story.. it's made me feel a lot better about having to share mine soon too.

Tomorrow morning I'm meeting with my advisor to talk about career plans again. Being around so many Ag Ed people has made me think about it a lot and I am considering adding it as a major. I want to keep Animal Science since I absolutely love this major, but why not double major? I wouldn't mind staying a little longer at UGA. I really do love it here. It's hard to keep changing my goals because it seems that with every step, I somewhat downsize. First I wanted to get a DVM and PhD, then I changed to just getting a PhD and thought that was really it. That's my plan and I'll stick with it. And now I'm thinking about being a high school teacher.

But you know, the more I change my plans, the happier I seem to get. I had these huge dreams of curing diseases and making a huge difference. That will be pretty much gone. But honestly, you could have a huge influence on kids in high school. You could still change somebody's life for the better. You could have so much influence. And that's great. Helping them grow into awesome people sounds awesome. My advisor sounded a bit disappointed when I mentioned it. He has put so much work into me. He is fantastic. I recommend asking him to be your advisor if you're an animal science major! But I know he'll really help me make a good decision for myself and that's all I need.

Seriously, I've never felt so good about myself. Taking some people out of my life and letting new ones in has been the best decision I could have made this year. Making myself a priority and focusing on what I really need has been so good. I love where it's taken me and can't wait to see where it's going in the future. You can't truly give your all until you are happy with yourself first. Someone that is happy and satisfied with themselves has just so much more to give to others. And I am so excited to pass all this happiness on!

And on top of all this, Ivy has been doing so much better in her training. She's learning more commands and getting friendlier with strangers. A friend came in today that she hasn't seen in a couple months and usually that would get her to bark at least a couple times before being comfortable enough to be petted. Nope. None of that today. Not a single bark came out of her, she was just very excited to see my friend. It was great. Go Ivy! Love my little monster.

And you think you're part of the Bulldawg Nation?

So the first game of the season is over and we lost. Which sucks. But you know what sucks even more? The people who talked about how much they love the dawgs on Friday and yesterday before the game and are now talking shit because they lost. Stop being a fan because it's cool but actually support them no matter what happens! I'm not a huge football fan. I didn't grow up here and don't understand it, I'll admit that. But I'm a part of the school and will cheer for them and stand behind them the entire time.

They lost? Sucks but.. GO DAWGS!

Stop pretending to be a part of the Bulldawg Nation when you're just a sucky wannabe fan.

In other news:

I got a bid from Sigma Alpha and am now a member candidate! Super exciting!

But there are also some very sad news. Maisha got very sick and I had to take her to the vet, where they told me they thought she had a septic uterus. We talked for a while but I just couldn't afford to treat it and had to put her to sleep. She was just in so much pain and it was horrible to watch. I held her in my arms for as long as I could as they gave her an anesthetic and then stayed with her for the second injection too. That was the least I could do. I miss her. Who's gonna talk back at me all the time now and try to suffocate me by laying on my face when I take a nap on the couch? She was just beautiful.

Rest In Peace, Maisha.